“I believe. Help my unbelief.”

This is a picture of my baptism from last Sunday, April 29! It was one of the best moments of my life. 🙂

1 Peter 5:8-9
(New Living Translation)
“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.”

Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve posted. It was finals week and move out week, so it has been a doozie! But I am trying to become more disciplined with this because it’s a good way for me to feel heard and to (hopefully) share the gospel!

Yesterday, Brian left Oxford, and that’s the last time I’ll be seeing him till Lord knows when. I’ll be in Alabama all summer, and he’ll be taking classes this summer in Oxford. He’s with his dad in Paris this week, and of course, when he gets back is when I leave. But spending the summer apart I think will be good for us. Yesterday was very emotional for the both of us though, but I know it’ll get easier every day.

That being said, I went to our sweet church alone today, which made me sad 😦 But Pastor Jeremy told me just what I needed to hear today, per the norm, and I feel so fulfilled! Also, my cousin, Sarah, gave birth to Ava Belle today, and I get to go meet her tomorrow! So I have lots of reasons to rejoice 🙂

One of the first things Pastor Jeremy said today was, “Where do you go in the midst of your suffering?” This made me feel so convicted. For those who haven’t heard my testimony/seen my video, I have a past of self mutilation, terrible body image, and a long and difficult struggle with anorexia and bulimia. I am more open about it now because I’ve seen how God is using my story to help others and bring Him glory, even though it’s uncomfortable for me sometimes.

But anyways, summer is always the time that I’m always more vulnerable to have relapse/disordered thoughts, and it’s the time that I’m more likely to relapse or slip back in to disordered behavior. I’m especially nervous about this for this summer, because I’ve been in recovery for 15 months (as of yesterday) and I’ve been doing SO WELL this year. But a lot of the reason I’ve been doing so well is because of the community of believers that I have at Miami. Brian is my biggest, constant support, but my Cru friends and Kappa Phi sisters are amazing supporters as well. I’m always very shy about when I’m feeling on the verge of a relapse, because I don’t like to talk about it, and I don’t want to bother anyone with my negative thoughts. I’m slowly learning to get better at this.

Lately, I’ve been real stressed, and the easiest way for me to cope with stress is by giving in to my disorders. I’ve been feeling unstable a lot this past year, going from city to city, house to house, etc., and I am alone a lot of the time. It overwhelms me, and makes me want to relapse…

Until it is all put in perspective.

I won’t go deep in to the sermon today, but I highly recommend you to hear it via the OBF website. It was so awesome. But I want to give some highlights that hit me in the face today:

  • Satanic attack is a topic that is quiet, and most avoided to discuss in our world today. But it is important to understand that Satan is allowed by God to attack us. But we have to cling to the Truth and defeat him and his tests made on our faith (1 Peter 5: 8-10.)
  • You are not meant to or made to handle your trials alone. Man was made by God to NEED God.
  • How to handle suffering: Put it in GOD’s perspective. See the full picture from God’s point of view; don’t just take it day by day. “Zoom out” and try to see how He’s using your suffering to better you and strengthen you. He only does GOOD to and for us.
  • Here’s the hope you can cling to in the midst of your suffering: JESUS IS COMING BACK, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE MADE NEW!
  • Suffering is a sign that you are a believer-it says in the Bible that we will face persecution specifically for our faith. If you don’t face persecution for your faith because no one knows about your faith (which should be how you live your life), then you may need to look at if you are a believer or not. Who are you living for?
  • Our God is sovereign and good (1 Peter 4:19.)
  • He is NEVER out to hurt you; cling to Jesus and go back to the gospel when the enemy tries to attack you or when you go through trials.
  • Sometimes when you’re struggling, it’s hard to muster a good, faithful prayer. You know the Truth, you know He’s got it figured out, but your human nature is making you feel discouraged and abrasive. The prayer you should pray during these times is, “Jesus, I know the truth. I know what you did for me and I am thankful for that. I believe; help my unbelief.”

Didn’t mean to get so “preachy,” I just thought it was so neat how God used my “single” church service to really speak to me, and help me to stand on guard against the devil before a vulnerable time.

In His love,