The Most Unsuspecting Drug

God has a funny way of answering prayer sometimes.

He will always answer your prayers. But He won’t always give you the answer you’re suspecting or hoping for.

That’s my drug. Always has been. Hoping it won’t always be. If you’ve read my posts before, you know that I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years. I’ve been in recovery for 17 months (holla) but these issues still plague and infect my mind and my heart. Thankfully I’ve learned over time how to resist the temptation of my eating disorders and how to cling to the Lord when I want to relapse. But just because I’m not necessarily acting on my disorders, doesn’t mean that they don’t still affect me and tear me apart.

I was in a great place in my recovery at the end of the school year last year. But this summer I plummeted. Obsessive exercise, restricting myself, “pinching” my fat in front of the mirror, weighing myself multiple times a day, crying every night, etc. I was SO ANGRY at myself from failing and from having a setback. But most of all, I was angry at myself from ignoring God when I needed Him the most (again).

Whenever I feel a relapse coming on or whenever Satan uses my disorders to attack my spirit, I do this thing where I pretend like God doesn’t know. I’m embarrassed about my disorders (although I’m open about them; eating disorders are an issue that MUST have awareness raised) so I shut God out to “protect” Him from seeing His child suffer and give in to Satan. Stupid, huh? Obviously He knows my struggles better than I do.

Anyways, when I hit rock bottom this summer, I remember a specific prayer. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food and eating. I either restricted or binged (and purged, or just binged past the point of satisfaction; gluttony). I have never been able to eat the right amount of food and I’ve never thought positively about food. Food is my drug. I can’t seem to handle it healthily and positively.

This thought and realization made me super frustrated, because I realized that I haven’t had a healthy relationship with food since I was a young child (around age 7). I was so overwhelmed with emotion and stress and failure and desperation that I hit my knees and just prayed and cried. I remember asking God, “Lord please guide me and help me to finally have a healthy relationship with food. I know you created food for my good and for nourishment, but I can’t find the balance on my own. Please help me to finally have a positive relationship with food.”

He answered my prayer.

But He answered it in a way I would’ve never guessed. Since May, my stomach has not been able to handle lactose foods at all. I love dairy, so I was bummed to have developed lactose intolerance. But I adjusted my eating plan and rolled with it. Got some Lactaid so I could still have cheese and ice cream when I crave it. Fell in love with soy milk. All was good.

Until I started getting sick almost EVERY time I ate ANYTHING. What the beep! After talking to some friends and peers about my frustrating situation, I decided to stop eating gluten. And my sickness (almost) went away. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon to be screened for celiac disease and to figure out why I keep getting sick every day. I’ve been getting sick 5-6 times a day every day for the past month, but thankfully I’ve only been getting sick about 2-3 times a day the past 2 weeks.

If I do have a gluten allergy, it will be a major lifestyle change. But it is certainly manageable and totally fine! Having to readjust my diet 100% has been so humbling. Because of these stomach issues, I’ve had to consume the perfect amounts of food. I’m never starving or overly stuffed. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to look and think about food healthily.

Praise Him! He does answer prayer. Just not in the ways that our human minds can understand… 🙂

If you think about it, please pray that my appointment will go well tomorrow and that I will get the answers that I need to get better.

Dwell in the Lord’s love for you today y’all!