Mmm. Hey y’all.
Overwhelmed. Pretty much the word that best describes me lately. But I do have some encouraging news! Overall, the past week has been a lot better for me emotionally. Physically, it changes so much that it’s hard to say. I’ve been hypoglycemic every day (real low dropping sugar levels) and my varying sugar levels have made me sick and quite exhausted. But, feeling better emotionally has helped me get through the tough physical times.
Something that I need to stop doing is reading all the statistics. I read one this past weekend that says I probably won’t make it past the age of 40. If this is true, that means my life is halfway over. Do you know how depressing that feels to think about at age 20? It feels pretty damn bad. So, since I didn’t want to feel bad about that, I decided not to let it bother me. Those statistics are so broad and probably filled with misinformation.
If I focus so much on all the bad things that could happen, how can I ever truly embrace life? I can’t. If I only focus on the negative, I will never be free. Yeah, I will never be free from type 1 diabetes (unless there’s a cure), but I can chose to be free from the negative nature of my mind. I’ll still have bad days. But I can work on letting it get to the point where I’m depressed or thinking of harming myself.
Lately, I have guilty of getting mad at people without T1D. When people say “oh, sorry, forgot you can’t eat that” or “you’re fine by now, right?” I just become the feistiest little gal. My brain goes, “YES. YES I CAN EAT THAT. I CAN EAT WHATEVER I WANT BECAUSE I HAVE TYPE 1, NOT TYPE 2! I JUST HAVE TO SEE HOW MANY CARBS I EAT SO I KNOW HOW MUCH INSULIN TO SHOOT MYSELF WITH” or “NO I’M NOT FINE YOU IDIOT. IT’S BEEN 3.5 WEEKS SINCE MY DIAGNOSIS.” But, that is so unfair of me to do. They don’t know any better. Hell, I was super ignorant of this disease before I had it. The way type 1 diabetes makes you feel is unlike anything anyone could understand, unless they have it.
I was talking about this with a co-worker and fellow type 1 diabetic yesterday. Some days, it feels impossible to get out of bed. The exhaustion I feel from fighting this disease 24/7 is huge sometimes. But, I still get up. And I try my best to get up and feel genuinely grateful. I definitely am grateful. I have been blessed immensely, and I can’t believe how lucky I am. Just some days are harder than others. But it’s a learning process. And I’m learning bit by bit each day.
One more thing that I’m feeling guilty for and upset about. Insulin can make you gain weight. Insulin is making me gain weight. 5 pounds so far, to be exact. And, in true Audra fashion, I AM FREAKING OUT. I am running at least 3 miles a day and eating healthy, so it makes no sense how I could possibly be gaining. I have talked to other diabetics, and have learned this is normal and I’ll be able to lose the weight once I’m more regulated. But I still cry in front of the mirror and scale. I currently can’t zip my wedding dress by myself. I know the way I’m feeling about this right now is bad, and I am ashamed. But as I said earlier, I’m learning y’all.
Brian has been very helpful and encouraging by helping me keep my mind and my heart focused on Christ and helping me find the beauty in God’s creation (a.k.a. ME.) And he’s been working out with me and being my personal trainer by showing me his Tough Mudder workouts! (My abs feel the burn today.) My mom and the rest of my family (especially my T1D cousin, Ally,) have also been incredibly encouraging. They keep reminding me that my weight is secondary to my health and my health will falter if I don’t shoot my insulin. I know that I am active and eat healthy…I know that’s all that should matter. But my old Ana/Mia mind is getting to me.
I’m getting there y’all. I really am.
Physically, I may not have it together. But I am fighting my emotions every second, and I can tell a difference. God is fighting my battles for me; I’m just leaning on Him for the strength to power through the day.
Thank you for your prayers and for not passing judgement.