a little bit longer

Sorry I haven’t blogged in a while. I was on a much-needed vacation for 2 weeks! Coming back to reality has been SO TOUGH, especially since it’s my first time back in school since my type 1 diagnosis. I’ve got a lot to say today, so be prepared.

I love the class I’m taking. I am so glad I didn’t drop it. It’s easier to give myself an injection in class than I thought. I’ve just been doing it under the table. Some people have noticed, but no one has said anything yet. I had to develop an emergency plan with my professor the first day of class though, and that was embarrassing for me. I hate being high-maintenance.

Let me tell ya a little tale from my vacation. I’m trying not to be too pissed off thinking about it so that I’m able to tell it respectfully. Buuutttt…

Okay. So. I was in Harbortown in Hilton Head one night getting ice cream with family and friends. I had to give my injection before I ate (obviously) and the little town was very busy with families and people everywhere. So I slipped off to the side and turned around to give my shot, so I wasn’t drawing attention to myself out in the open.

Right after I stuck myself and was pressing the insulin pen to inject the insulin, this lovely lady came up to me and was all huffy. I was thinking “Hmm. Wonder why she’s peeved.” The next thing that happened absolutely shocked me…
She approaches me with, “Excuse me?! What do you think you’re doing? There are tons of children around you right now!”

I was flabbergasted!
She then proceeded to say that her child has a needle phobia and that I was being disrespectful by giving my shot in public. I explained how that is why I turned my back and stood off to the side, and that I’m a type 1 diabetic and need my injections to live. I asked her to reconsider next time before approaching someone this way and told her that being diabetic is hard enough. She then had the audacity to say “maybe you should’ve thought of that before you ate so much sugar and gave yourself this disease.”

I just about clocked the broad.

But instead, I calmly explained the differences between type 1 and type 2, told her to do her research before making a fool of herself next time, and bid her adieu.

You have no idea how hard it was to restrain myself from doing something I would’ve regretted.

I just can’t understand the sheer ignorance of some people. Not only does it make them look dumb, but it hurts me.

I already feel like a freak. I don’t need people pointing it out to me; I’d rather point it out myself, if at all.

Sorry for the ‘tude, but this is has been an awful ‘betes week. Vomiting, dizziness, extreme fatigue, weight gain, lots of scary hypo episodes…My body is exhausted and I am just drained. Staying positive is a goal, though it seems unachievable right now, no matter how hard I try.

I’m sure that outsiders who do not have type 1 probably look at me or my social media posts and think that I’m a wuss, a baby, an attention hoe…

I mean, I never knew that type 1 diabetes was so serious and so difficult to live with.

My beloved Pa Edgar had it, but I was too young to understand. My amazing cousin, Ally, has it…I remember looking at her pump when I was younger and thinking, “Man, that’s gotta suck. I could never do that.” Or I remember going to the Jonas Brothers concert in high school (not ashamed) and hearing Nick Jonas tell his type 1 diagnosis story. He then proceeded to play his song that he wrote about it, “A Little Bit Longer.” I listened to this song at the concert thinking, “Awe. That must be hard for him. But it seems like he’s handling it well.” Then I never thought about it again.

I went back to this song by Nick Jonas over my vacation and listened to it on the beach by myself. I had heard this song a million times before and knew every word, but it was like I was hearing it for the first time.

Here are the lines that I felt the most–

“You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone

You don’t know what it’s like to feel so low

Every time you smile and laugh you glow

And you don’t even know

…Waiting on a cure, none of them are sure

A little bit longer, and I’ll be fine”

And my favorite lines…

“So I’ll wait till kingdom come,

All the highs and lows are gone.

A little bit longer, and I’ll be fine.”

Y’all, I bawled. You can’t truly understand what he means by these simple lyrics (and their relation to t1d) until you have lived this. I just love how in the last couple lines of the song, he reminds all of us type 1’s that the only time we will be free from this disease is when we return Home;  this life is temporary. <–That’s a reminder I need daily. 

Today, after vomiting all morning, I was laying in my bed moping, feeling like crap. Crying, feeling lazy and worthless, asking God “why me?”, etc….Then I got so mad at myself. I wiped my tears and continued to wait for Him to answer me (I haven’t felt like I’ve received His reasoning yet.)

My mind wandered to a place I didn’t purposefully take it (which makes me think it was the Holy Spirit.)

“Why you, Audra? Because.

Because God gave this struggle to you. He gave you this challenge to strengthen you…physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And not only did He give it to you, but He gave it to you without a reason why.

He does not ever have to give you a reason.”

I know, because the Bible tells us all, that we will struggle in this life.

Isn’t that what makes the promise of eternity with Him so much sweeter?

The fact that, yeah, it sucks now. Yeah, it feels like it’ll never end. But this life is a blink and it’s gone. And then, as Lecrae (my fave Christian rapper) puts it, “some of us go end up holy, some of us go end up hot” for eternity.

ETERNITY.

My troubled human mind cannot even comprehend that word, let alone all that comes with it.

I feel so ashamed about the way I have handled this.

Yes, God gave me this struggle. No, He didn’t give it to me because I can handle it–I’m not a fan of the phrase “God never gives you more than you can handle.”

If He never gives me more than I can handle, then how do I ever turn to Him in my weakness and truly, fully, wholeheartedly rely on Him for strength/guidance/comfort/help? If He never gives me more than I can handle, then I wouldn’t feel a reason to cling to Him with all that I am. If He never gives me more than I can handle, then I’d go thinking that I can handle it all by myself, otherwise He wouldn’t have given the struggle to me,  because I’m strong enough without Him.

So yeah. He gave me this. Yeah, when I’m sick and exhausted and done with this disease, I am angry with Him, and I beg Him to tell me why.

Oh silly human, He doesn’t owe you an explanation! But He does provide you the necessary tools to seek comfort and refuge in Him—my Bible. Love that thing. That’s the main way He speaks to me, is through His word. My family. Love those people. They never give up on me, even when they want to. My soon-to-be-husband. Y’all. Brian goes absolutely above and beyond. He loves me and cares for me so selflessly.

I can’t imagine what these past 2 months have felt like for him, and I constantly tell him and thank God for putting Brian in my life. I could’ve (and probably would’ve) died by now without his help.

When Brian asked me to marry him, he did so not knowing that he would have to be my primary caregiver. But he never complains, never makes me feel bad or guilty, and (almost) always loves, protects, and cares for me, even when he’s exhausted of it. He is not perfect; he’s a sinner like the rest of us. But I am so thankful I get to love a man who is so close to our Lord. God teaches me so much through the way Brian demonstrates his love for me.

Ow, my brain hurts. I have nothing left to say today. Sorry it’s all jumbled and nothing makes sense. I don’t feel good today.

Thank you for your prayers and constant support. I promise to write a better, more sensical post next week.

xoxo

Audge