Why I’m No Longer Weighing Myself

We’ve all done it.

{Maybe not you, gentlemen, because you aren’t as in tune about these things as much as women are. And maybe not all of us ladies, but a large portion of us have.}

There has been a time for each of us where, either deliberately or not, we have looked at someone we haven’t seen in a bit who has maybe put on a little bit of weight, and we think, “Awe. She gained weight. I wonder how she’s going to lose it…She better do it quick before it gets worse…”

Okay, maybe you haven’t been this critical, BUT there has been a time where you have been a little bit aware of an old friend or peer’s weight gain. We all do it. Maybe it’s part of the girl jealousy thing, I don’t know. 

We’re human, it happens. Maybe you’re genuinely concerned for the friend, or maybe you’re weirdly a bit happy because now you’re skinnier than her…

{Please keep in mind these thoughts come from the mind of an ex-anorexic/bulimic…They may not be valid for everyone, but I know that a number of women think these things sometimes, or compare their weight to their friends’ weights because I have overheard conversations about this and have been a part of these discussions.}

Lemme hit ya with a quick anecdote.

Obviously, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in May. For years before my diagnosis, I was at a healthy weight for my height, had just enough curves, and was finally finding peace with my body after years of destroying it with eating disorders. 

The week before diagnosis I dropped 12 pounds in 7 days. Something was wrong, blood sugar was so high, went to the ER, got diagnosed, and started insulin. 

And here I am. 13 pounds heavier than I was at my “ideal” figure before diagnosis. 

My husband and I eat very healthily. You won’t find junk in this house. The only treat we have is wine, and a bag of Starbursts for when I go hypoglycemic. We eat 80% paleo, and work out vigorously 4-5x per week. We put good clean food into our bodies, and we live an active lifestyle. {Obviously we have “cheats” here and there like everyone does; we’re not perfect and we think it’s important to treat yourself sometimes. I’m just making the point that we value living healthily and this is our lifestyle.}

But I am still the heaviest I have ever been. 

No matter what I do, I can’t lose weight.

Wanna know why?

My medication. My medication, that keeps me alive, makes me gain weight. Uncontrollably. Nothing I do is fixing it.

I’m finally maintaining, and not gaining, but I live in fear every day {sounds pathetic…it is. Being ex-eating disordered makes me afraid of being out of control of my body.}

Based on the way that I live, my body should be looking amazing. I should be at my ideal body. But I’m not. 

I can’t forgo using my insulin…I would survive maybe 5 days before I’d go DKA {diabetic coma} and then die. 

Though I’m married, we’re having a big ceremony in March. I don’t fit into my wedding dress. I ordered it when I was the weight I had been for years, and I never thought I’d see a number higher than that. I also never thought I would be diagnosed with a lifelong, incurable, life-threatening chronic disease

I am always frustrated, always disappointed, and always conscious of how big I am now, and of how I do everything in my power to control my weight, and it doesn’t work. It consumes my every thought. 

I wear baggy clothes, leggings, and sweatpants every day because I son’t look the same in my cute clothes. I don’t feel cute, so I don’t want to look cute. I have stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair daily because this situation is making me feel invaluable. 

{I know all of this may sound overdramatic, but it’s how I feel. It may seem extreme to some of you, but when you’re recovering from eating disorders, these thoughts are very real.}

Most Type 1 Diabetics that I’ve talked to have shared my experience in the insulin weight gain…When I ask for suggestions of how to lose it, they can’t give any. Because they never could lose it. 

I want my body to look the way that I treat it. 

I live a lot healthier than a lot of my peers on this campus, and they’re still smaller than me. 

I hate weighing this much, and being conscious of that number.

So, I’m not weighing myself anymore.

Here’s how I look at it…

I’m healthy. I’m fit. I’m active. I may not look that way to people in passing. But why should I care about that? 

Being diabetic, it’s important that I stay healthy in every way that I can control, in order to have more years here. I take all the steps to do that, and I know it. Why does that number dictate my moods, my happiness, and my life? Why can’t it be enough that I’m healthy, and hopefully someday, I can get back to where I want to be? 

I know it’s not good having extra weight, but in this circumstance, it is out of my control {which sucks, because I have always been very controlling about how my body looks, feels, and functions. Now that I have Type 1 Diabetes, there is a lot more that is out of my control.}

My point with all of this is that we may see friends who have put on a little weight, and our first thought may be a judging one. But I think it’s important for us to note that there may be extenuating circumstances for the reasons why they aren’t as small as before. Instead of judging them, we need to be there for them. When someone is gaining weight due to medication no matter how healthy they live, that can be extremely upsetting and embarrassing. What they need is a listening ear.

I mean not to convict anyone. I just want to shine a light on a subject that I don’t think is spoken about much. 

Since I am doing everything in my power to be the healthiest I can be, I don’t need to know about the number associated with my relationship with gravity. 

Not weighing myself is liberating.

After all, my husband {who doesn’t even notice a change in my body}, loves me for my heart, mind, and soul. So why am I letting this bring me down so much? I’m not trying to impress anyone….I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. 

As long as I know I am truly healthy, my number shouldn’t matter.  I am learning to let it go. 

I know not everyone focuses on weight as much as I do. But that’s also why I wanted to write this. Let’s not judge one another for things we would not like to be judged on. 

The scale can’t tell me how much I’m loved. The scale can’t tell me my worth. The scale can’t remind me how extremely blessed I am. The scale doesn’t give a damn about me. Therefore, I’m learning to not give a damn about it either. In the grand scheme of my life, it’s not going to matter if I’m a little heavier than I desire. As long as I’m healthy, happy, and embracing my life…that’s what is important. That is what I will remember at the end of this life. Because that is the stuff that matters

What do YOU think? Do you have experience in this area that you’d like to share? Comment below…I’d love to hear your story!

**Please don’t comment with any diabetes weight loss plans. They are for Type 2 Diabetics. My pancreas is dead; my diabetes has nothing to do with an unhealthy lifestyle. I wish that those Type 2 plans worked for me, but because my insulin needs are different, they do not work and sometimes it’s offensive when people comment with them.**

Surprise! {title written by Brian}

Brian and I have some news to share with our family and friends that may be shocking or confusing for some of y’all, so I encourage you to read this post in its entirety {even though it’s long.}

I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes 3 days after I moved in to our future apartment–the plan was for me to live in our apartment alone until March 2014 when we got married. Well, the adjustment to this disease was way more tough than I ever imagined, and I was told by multiple doctors that it would be very unwise for me to live alone within the first year of diagnosis because of how unstable my condition was.

Perfect timing, right?

My family lives 9 hours away in Alabama, and it was impossible finding someone willing to sleep on a sofa bed and live out of a suitcase for 10 months, just to get kicked out midway through the school year. So, it seemed our only choice was for Brian to move in early.

Ugh.

We never wanted to live together before marriage. We worked it out the best way we could; Brian slept on the sofa bed and helped me in the middle of the night with lows, took me to the hospital for tests and such, etc. We tried to live strictly like room mates, but when you’re living with the person you’re about to marry, it’s tough to have clear boundaries with the way you function in your little home. We would share finances, make dinner together, etc.

We felt married, but we weren’t. And this was a strain.

We are Christians, and our faith is the absolute most important part of our lives individually and as a couple. Our living situation was such a struggle for us, and we were very disappointed and embarrassed about it.

We consulted Christian mentors, peers, parents, and our pastor, and we were presented the idea of going ahead and getting married before our originally scheduled March wedding; still having the celebration in March, but making it official beforehand to best protect our marriage. Living together out of wedlock  was straining our relationship and was not the most God-glorifying situation.

That being said, we got married on October 5th! It was very small, intimate, and perfect. We are still having the wedding celebration in March as originally planned, so if you received a Save the Date for that, don’t worry! It’s still going on as planned!

We just didn’t want to “hide” our marriage, and by not being forthcoming about it, it felt like we were hiding it. We want to be a witness of our faith in this life, and we think that God uses our circumstances to ultimately bring Him glory, which is our life’s goal. We want to be lights for Christ in this world, and we wanted to honor our marriage and honor Him in our marriage by doing this.

We know this probably seems rash to some of you. But we assure you that this decision has been months in the making, and it has been an entirely prayerful decision. We want to live our lives for the Lord and a huge way we can do that is by honoring our marriage. In our situation, we felt that living together before marriage isn’t honoring God, and we want to follow Christ, no matter how extreme the circumstances are.

Sometimes, living a Christian life doesn’t mean being logical by the standards of this world.

If you have any questions, PLEASE ask us! But, we respectfully ask that you keep negative opinions to yourself. God writes every love story differently. Ours may not make sense to you because it isn’t yours. We respect your choices, so we ask that you please respect ours.

We are so encouraged by the support we have received thus far.

Thank you so much and we love you all!

Brian & Audra Smith